I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize