so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
