i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
