So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
