fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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