plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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