You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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