yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
