OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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