This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
