Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
