Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
