history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
