Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
