So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
