Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
