How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
