he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
