I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
