She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
