Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
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He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
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He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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