The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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