the condom got lost in my hair
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
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He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
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You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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