You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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