if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize