I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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