Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
