She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
