I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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