The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
honey bunches of taint.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
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You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
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Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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