woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
