Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
