I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
