the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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