I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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