I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize