I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
