obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Randomize
