There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
