Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
