It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
