"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
