the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
