nut hugger
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I want her autograph on my taint
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
