I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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