Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
