My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He passed out mid-signature
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Pants are for mortals
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
