whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
