I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
