There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
