mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
ttyl tear gas
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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