I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
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Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
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I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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