I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Randomize
