Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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