Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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