i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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