how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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