We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
