Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
