My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
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Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
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I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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