let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
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