So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
